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Blame

Why is it not my fault? If I am just that lousy a person, is it ever my fault? The blame is being thrown around at environmental factors like having little money, stupid parents, or being a guy and those are apart from simply being mental.

Can't it just be my fault?

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Re: Coffee

I should be studying. Coffee. First few sips of hot coffee, I’m alert, focusing on the task at hand. And I continue sipping the rest of the coffee. Soon, I realise my fingers are uncoordinated. I could be turning manic. But it’s more the case of volatile emotions. Interactions, however subtle, bother me. Then coffee may not be the best antidote. I need a solution. I can’t seem to let go of coffee. I don’t want to let go of coffee, for a few moments of glee that I don’t have an alternative for. And to control it, medicine might help. Pharmacology. I’m gonna say that non-pharmacological methods are not helpful here because one, they have not helped me, and two, I probably don’t know how to do them. We need to think of dosing. We need to titrate it. We should be scientific about it. So we need variables - type of coffee, amount of coffee, frequency of consumption, time consumed, time of high and other foods consumed with coffee. Ideally, we need to keep all but one constant, which is...

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It's not all for waste. Derailed off various paths and push aside many ideas, to be here, but why are here? There's something out there that I have got to do. I don't know what and I don't know when. Perhaps this is the path that's meant to be.

Pieces

It won't happen. The probabilty does exist but it's just too slim. I try to convince myself. But a version of it will happen. And every version will break my heart.