Inside Anees' Head

I should be studying. Coffee. First few sips of hot coffee, I’m alert, focusing on the task at hand. And I continue sipping the rest of the coffee. Soon, I realise my fingers are uncoordinated. I could be turning manic. But it’s more the case of volatile emotions. Interactions, however subtle, bother me. Then coffee may not be the best antidote. I need a solution. I can’t seem to let go of coffee. I don’t want to let go of coffee, for a few moments of glee that I don’t have an alternative for. And to control it, medicine might help. Pharmacology. I’m gonna say that non-pharmacological methods are not helpful here because one, they have not helped me, and two, I probably don’t know how to do them. We need to think of dosing. We need to titrate it. We should be scientific about it. So we need variables - type of coffee, amount of coffee, frequency of consumption, time consumed, time of high and other foods consumed with coffee. Ideally, we need to keep all but one constant, which is

I wonder what life is and what we are supposed to do in it. It is hard to talk about it as one entity, perhaps because it is not. Say there are parts of it - some intrinsic to one's life and some affected by lives of others. Intrinsic parts would be such as health and function, optimism, ambition and aesthetics, extrinsic parts would be relationship with other people, so personality and behaviour Time also complicates matters. The only outcome I am care about would be emotions. A thought is that life is akin to music. I don't know much about that, but it's like life is a piece of music and it can be interpreted and treated differently is different situations, different cultures and different time. Inherently, music can be happy or sad but with embellishments and modifications to suit the occasion, perhaps it could be more. Is it always a case of looking ahead and wanting something and live trying to achieve it? Is this part of culture?  What if we can c

It's as though everyone around me is inside this house; it's lit up and decorated and they go on with their practices and their way of life. I am outside in the cold alone, merely peeking through the window and I want to join them inside. I pray they see me, but they won't open that stupid door. And that layer of frost on the door thickens with what I learn. I try to warm myself up by saying that it's better to stay outside, ought to gain something, that I belong outside. Yet, I can't turn away, the warmth of her smile turns me to the door and I can't stop trying.

Why is it not my fault? If I am just that lousy a person, is it ever my fault? The blame is being thrown around at environmental factors like having little money, stupid parents, or being a guy and those are apart from simply being mental. Can't it just be my fault?

It won't happen. The probabilty does exist but it's just too slim. I try to convince myself. But a version of it will happen. And every version will break my heart.

An attempt to write in Malay. There are 4 characters in this play - two friends (Ahmad & Riz) walking along a street, an paramedic and a stranger who fainted in the middle of the road. Ahmad: Saya sangat penat. Saya berfikir kami menjalan untuk dua kilometer. Riz: Jangan bohong, kami menjalan untuk lima minit. Berhenti mengadu. Eh Ahmad, seorang sana jatuh. Mari menolong dia. Riz dan Ahmad lari ke seorang. Riz: Kawan! Kawan! Bolehkah mendengar saya? Ahmad: Adakah awak kenal dia? Riz: Tidak. Kenapa awak tanya soalan itu? Ahamd: Awak panggil dia kawan. Saya berfikir bahawa awak kenal dia. Riz: Bodoh! Jangan berdiri ke sana dan menolong saya. Ahmad: Saya bukan doktor. Bagaimana saya menolong dia. Riz: Awak tidak perlu jadi doktor! Awak perlu panggil doktor. Ahmad: Doktor! Doktor! Saya tidak berfikir doktor ke sini. Riz: Tidak! Panggil ambulan dengan telefone awak! Ahmad: Saya ada satu soalan. Riz: Saya sudah tanya saya banyak soalan. Apa sekarang? Ahmad: